Dear Gene:
After careful consideration I have decided it is in my best interest to tell you to take this fucking job and shove it up your keister. Look did you really think that I was this conservative, religious, sweater vest wearing disciplinarian?! Dude, have you seen my track record? Just take a look at what happened at Youngstown State in 1985 - present. The same shit has been happening under my watch from 85 at Youngstown until now in lovely ole' C-Bus, Ohio with the Buckeyes. I play dumb while boosters hand out cash, dealerships give away cars, and tattoo parlors ink my best players for signed memorabilia. Heck, I join them at the tattoo parlor. They have some really good weed there! I just love getting stoned to the bejeezus with my players while playing PS2. By the way... I just kicked the piss out of Pryor last week in Madden 11.
I suppose I owe you an explanation for the sweater vest outfit. Well, you see, I wear it to cover up the tatts on my upper chest, some of which extend to my neck. That's the beauty of the sweater vest, no one has a clue the crazy tatts I'm sporting. I tell you what when you smoke the ganja I've smoked... you wouldn't believe some of the tatts you get. Holy Christ do I have some effed up ink on me. When you hang out in tattoo parlors on a semi-daily basis bad things tend to happen. Like drinking too much Hennessy and smoking too much marijuana.
I am actually thinking about opening my own tattoo parlor. What do you think of the name Sweater Vest Ink? How about Fools Ink? Or what about 3 Yards and a Cloud of Ink? My dream job is too smoke dope, drink, play PS2, and ink top college football players for signed memorabilia. I am thinking about opening it in Boise, Idaho. Chris Peterson seems like a cool dude, I could see him sending players my way. And what the fuck else are you going to do in Boise, ID anyway? Those kids would love to get stoned with the sweater vest and play some PS2 while getting great tattoos at the same time. I think that could be a lucrative business, don't you think? I mean why should all the tattoo parlors in Columbus have all the fun. I am going to open up my own now.
As far as the lying is concerned, well... I'm sorry, but what did you want me to do? I was stoned 1/2 the time you asked me if we committed any violations. Heck, some times I thought you asked me if we had committed any OSHA violations and I always thought the janitorial staff did a nice job cleaning the locker rooms. Plus, do you have any idea how many football games I won for "The" Ohio State University? I went 9-1 against Michigan, played in three National Titles, winning one of them, and won the Big Ten just about every year. I had a winning percentage over .800. Michigan's AD Dave Brandon would give his left testicle to have me coach his team and plead ignorance over a few kids driving cars that don't belong to them, accepting cash, and getting free tattoos in exchange for some autographs. Even if he had to fire me, it would have saved him the disgrace of hiring that clown from West Virginia, Rodriguez. Oh speaking of West Virginia, Dana Holgerson and I are going to hit a few casinos in Vegas. I'm pretty sure that's the only city on earth that can withstand Hurricane Dana. Holy balls can that SOB party! By the way, I really lost a lot of respect for the state of West Virgina, what a bunch of pussies. So Dana likes to drink and gamble, big deal. In a perfect world West Virginia will fire Dana and Chris Peterson will take over for me in Columbus, then Dana would take over at Boise and I could open my tattoo parlor. Holy balls we would fucking own that town! Can you contact Peterson's agent? I want to live the dream man!
Peace,
Jimbo
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